Author's Notes: This is my first HP fic and I've been thinking about it for long, but still I'm not sure about if I'll be able to write what I think. Everything is written in Snape's POV (thoughts).Thanks to my beta reader, Aliea, who has helped me to correct my mistakes!!. Well, if you like it, review, please; otherwise, I may not have the courage to go on. The fic is rated NC17 for slash but you won't find it in the first chapters (if you like slash, be patient). Enjoy it!
Isilme Malfoy (webmistress hehe)
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the HP caracters/things, though I'd be happy too ^.~
When you miss an enemy
Stupid thoughts! If I could only forget them. These feelings have chased me, disturbed me, sickened me at all times, day or night, for the last eighteen years.) I'm busy, I should not pay attention to them; I have enough work to do, right here, in the dungeon. A sleeping potion is bubbling in my irony cauldron and the yellow fumes remind me that the disgusting solution is the only thing that may allow me to rest tonight.
Tomorrow, the annoying fifth-year Gryffindors will certainly get on my nerves again. Especially that little Potter-lovers gang. But...why should I worry? I'm a Professor, they're only students, irritating ones. I make the rules. However, these rules do not apply to the memories that they inspire to run through my head. Memories are a big problem, and they won't leave me while Harry Potter is near. Damn it! The boy resembles him too much, except for the eyes. His sparkling green eyes force me to remember that something's missing inside me; something that was stolen long time ago by a fairy-like, green-eyed witch.
There's a thin line between hate and something else that is not love in my belief. I think it's a most desperate and irrational feeling which once drove me crazy. Some times, in my solitary moments, I forget that I'm a Professor, a fearsome man who does not like any student who doesn't belong to Slytherin. I'm not nice or kind, and I still have some emotions left, like yearning, resentment, desperation... Now I want to remember, I want to miss the past for awhile before the steaming drink makes its way through my veins and drives me into deep slumber.
I never had much fun at Hogwarts, but that was probably because I was not a cheerful boy. I believed that my duty was to study hard and work in order to fulfill my ambitions. Ambitious...that's what I was, just as every Slytherin was (and still is). Most teachers and members of my house seemed to understand me, but the rest of the school certainly didn't. Gryffindors didn't like me at all and tried to make fun of me whenever they could. That was the hobby their leader, the super-Quidditch-chaser, always-insanely-perfect James Potter.
He was very popular and had a bunch of fans who adored him and his most intimate friend, Sirius Black. I won’t say they weren’t intelligent, because they were. But that only made me hate them more. They conducted their lives in a very fun-loving manner and thought that my own attitude towards life was wrong, giving them yet another excuse to laugh at me. Our war was never-ending. They used to disturb me in class with silly comments and I fought back by finding out about their continuous rule-breaking and telling on them.
Dumbledore, who was already Headmaster, liked their gang very much. I think he could not help it, for he had been a Gryffindor too. However, he was kind to me and tried to make some peace between us without a clear result. The war continued up until the fifth year, when the most unexpected things began to happen.
Remus Lupin was a very good friend of James and Sirius, but every month he mysteriously disappeared for several days without telling anyone where he went. Sirius told me what I should do to find out and of course, he played a joke on me. I managed to get into the Whomping Willow's secret passage where I managed to catch a glimpse of the wolf that Lupin had transformed into. James ran after me and took me out of there before it was too late. "Come on, Snape! This is dangerous, you must get away!", he cried. He pulled at my sleeve and I believed him, so we ran out.
Sometimes, I wish that he had never saved my life. I could not stand the feeling of being indebted to him. When we got out of the passage, I asked him: "Didn't you hate me enough to leave me there?". He smiled and shook his head, breathless because of the hurry. "Hate is not a good reason to leave someone in such a danger", he said.
My heart ached in response. Blood seemed to be flowing again through my body after a long period of freezing in my veins. Something was going very wrong, but I glanced at him and decided that I didn't want to know.
Dumbledore once told me once that when a wizard saves another wizard's life, a bond is created between them. But I think that I was not happy to be indebted to my arch-enemy. So I worked my best to keep things going just as they went before.
Author's Notes: Ok, here's where slash come; you know, you can read it or not, whatever you want, but don't waste your time flaming because I'll take your flames and use them to roast a chicken hehe. Please R& R!
'It was a very pleasant experience. Thank you for the precious information about your friend', I told Sirius the next morning.
He grinned and came closer to me. James was looking at us but didn't stand up.
'It was a little joke', said Black, 'that's what you get if you're always prowling and trying to find out everything we do'.
'You know I can tell everybody about the werewolf'.
'No, you can't', he said with a glint of triumph in his eyes. 'You're forbidden to do so'.
I look left and stared at Remus Lupin, who was paler than usual. Potter was doing his best to calm him down, talking in low whispers so that nobody could hear. Sirius was right, that damn git knew that Dumbledore had told me not to spread the news. Of course, he had also taken into account the fact that Sirius had gone too far, and the boy was given three days of detention.
Whenever I felt worried, I went to my bedroom and took out one thing that I was very fond of: a book which lay at the bottom of my trunk. Its title was Dark Arts for Young Wizards. I liked that kind of reading, but unfortunately the Dark Arts weren't taught at Hogwarts, and I could hardly use them. At least, they helped me to plot an wonderfully sweet revenge against my enemies.
Far away from Hogwarts, a very dark wizard had gained an extraordinary amount of power. His ambition knew no limit and almost every wizard or witch in Europe was scared of him. He was called Lord Voldemort, but nobody pronounced his name - they considered it dangerous. Slytherin students weren't really frightened; we were fond of ambition, so we could even empathize with the man. He and his followers were my chance to practice my Dark Arts, and I would join them when I left Hogwarts. As you see, I was a fifteen-year-old fool.
Several days after the incident, I was in Potions class with all those stupid Gryffindors when I found myself in another bad situation. I shared a table with two Slytherin girls, and Potter, Lupin and Black were working together in at a table next to me. They were extraordinarily quiet, but I suspected their silence meant that once again I would fall victim to their pranks.
I took a deep breath and looked again at my cauldron, and the half-made potion showed a very strange colouring’. It was a "Devoicing" solution (people who drank it wouldn't be able to speak for hours) and it should be purple. But mine was blue, and I had followed the steps carefully. What was more, I knew that it was purple only a moment before. No member of the Gryffindor gang had approached my cauldron, yet I still suspected of them. I glared in their direction and James grinned. I had to find a proof. Soon I realized that a bottle of toad-tears was lying on their table. It was so evident! Toad-tears could ruin the effects of any potion and make it turn blue!
I had had enough. I pointed my wand at James' cauldron and muttered a quick spell. He noticed what I was doing and lifted his cauldron out of the way’ just when a yellow light shot out of my wand. Several seconds later, his cauldron lay on the floor and James was drenched with potion. Everybody laughed and looked at us; I was furious. Potter pointed at me with his wand but just then our Potions Professor shouted: 'Stop!' Mrs. Evlyn (an old, clever woman) came nearer and gave him a piece of cloth to dry his face.
'This behaviour is shameful!, she said.
'Professor, Potter put a toad-tear in my cauldron and now the potion is useless,’ I said.
She looked from my cauldron to the Gryffindor gang’s table and nodded.
‘Ten points from Gryffindor and Slytherin then. You two must learn to take show your enmity somewhere other than my classroom. You will both stay after class to tidy up this mess, without magic.’
‘You can use no magic during your clean up, so that the amount of time that it will take you to complete your task will serve to help you both reconsider your behaviour.’, said Mrs. Evlyn, and went out of the dungeon.
I looked at my cloth and sighed: I had never had a weakness for muggle cleaning.“I looked at my cloth and sighed: muggle cleaning wasn’t something that I cared for.
'It's all your fault', I said, staring at James. 'You had no reason to put toad-tears in my potion'.
'Maybe I did', he said in a slow voice.
He started cleaning some of the spilled solution and I tried to do the same, but I couldn't concentrate, I hated him so much and still...there was something I didn't understand. I had no clue.
I kneeled on the floor and tried to tidy it up, wondering why he didn't talk to me, why he didn't make fun of me. The feeling was so weird that I could feel those questions worrying me.
I turned around and saw those deep blue eyes looking at me. I frowned.
'You don't know anything of love, do you?'.
'Well, I suppose that is another good reason to make fun of me', I said.
I couldn't talk, couldn't even take my eyes from his as he moved closer to me and pressed his lips against mine. I had no time to think, I just let him hug me and kiss me as if that was what he had always wanted.When we separated, I gasped and looked at him with complete astonishment.
'Are you...?', I began to say, but he interrupted me.
'I'm not. This is not a joke, I promise', James whispered.
Suddenly I realized that I had been kissed by a boy, a Gryffindor and my arch-enemy at the same time, and I hadn't...really mind. I had actually enjoyed it but I couldn't say so. So I waited for an explanation.
'I want you', he said, leaning one hand on my shoulder.
'Why would you ever want me? You can have any girl at Hogwarts, they just adore you'.
'I just want you. I don't know why.'
My brain was shouting Impossible! But my heart didn't hear. I needed no reasoning, no self-control that time. I desired him and had been feeling attracted to, and now he wanted me. What else could I do but give in to his will?
I kissed him passionately and he slid his tongue into my mouth, craving for more. I had never imagined that a kiss could taste so well. He explored my neck with his lips and we both lay down on the floor, his body falling over top of mine. I was warned by a hardness between my thighs as his soft hands unbuttoned my school robes and found a way under my shirt. Soon, we wore only our trousers and he licked and sucked at my chest as if he wanted me to die of desire
'James', I gasped, and I called him by his first name for the first time in my life.
He smiled mischievously at me and whispered in my ear:
'You're mine now, Sev'.
I tightened my arms around his waist in response, keeping my eyes open to see that gorgeous body over mine. How easy it was to forget where we were, or what the time was...time had stopped. James' blue orbs were smiling at me and I couldn't ignore them. His hand moved slowly and reached the place between my legs, making me think that my trousers were becoming a nuisance.
James moved fast yet gently, and I hardly noticed that he was unbuttoning my trousers and taking them off completely. He looked at the bulge which strained against my boxers, wanting to get out, and grinned.
'May I help you?', he asked, and I nodded though I felt clueless about what he was about to do. Then a single hand slid under my underwear and grabbed my fully-hard member; I groaned and shivered in surprise as my boxers were removed just as everything else had been. His heavenly touches made my arousal grow in an unconceivable manner; suddenly his hand became still and that was something I couldn't stand.
'James...don't stop...that, please', I muttered.
'I'll give you what you need', he whispered softly.
Without warning, he took advantage of his kneeling position and moved his head a little bit lower to...taste me. His powerful tongue explored my member with gentle short licks, while I moaned and begged him to do it faster. He took me completely into his mouth, and after a few fast jerks. I went to the edge and had my very first orgasm, a wave of uncontrollable pleasure which spewed some hot liquid into James' mouth, who swallowed it eagerly.
After a while, I panted and sat up on the cold floor. I didn't know what to say, so I just kissed him deeply, tasting my own seed's flavour on his lips. He kissed me back and just then I realized that he was still wearing his jeans.
'That is not fair', I said, breaking our contact.
'I want to see you now’, I whispered in a sheepish voice that, God, couldn't belong to myself.
'Well, here I am, Sev'.
'Why do you call me like that?'
'It sounds far better than your surname, don't you think?'
What was the point of my question? My heart hurt badly and I felt my brain urging me to touch the soft body that waited in front of me. I didn't care about names, enmity or any other trivial thing at that very moment.
Blinded by passion, I worked on the clothes left until that gorgeous body was released from its prison. I needed to taste every inch of his skin, and I guessed that James wanted it too, judging by the way in which he brought my head against his naked chest. Sitting next to him, I tried to do my best and heard him moan softly in response while my tongue made its way across his stomach.
I looked at his manhood hungrily and saw that it was fully hard; I simply couldn’t resist the temptation and gave in to the urge, causing James to let out an even louder cry. Suddenly, he sat up and I looked at him, stunned.
'I have a better idea', he gasped. 'Would you want...to feel me inside you?'
I had no clue what he was talking about, but it sounded great.
'I don't understand', I muttered, feeling a bit embarrased.
'This way', James said, pointing at my bottom, 'I can enter your body. If you want'.
'Yes', I said, realizing what he meant and blushing slightly.
'You have to be sure because...well...it hurts a bit'.
'I am sure'.
'Then let me guide you'.
He whispered for me to kneel on the floor and positioned himself behind me. I turned my head towards him and saw him taking his wand from the table next to us. I was afraid, but somehow I trusted him. His cheeks burned as he muttered a little spell (which I didn't know) to the wand and a slight stream of a sticky liquid came out of it.
'I want to make it easy for you, just loosen up ', he said, and he spread some of the cold substance on my bottom.
I took a deep breath as he put one long finger inside me. I relaxed, he then withdrew his finger and spread the rest of the liquid over his fully-erected member. He placed himself at my entrance and began to penetrate me slowly. It really hurt at the beginning and I thought that I wouldn't be able to sit down for ages, but little by little I felt more comfortable with James' invasion and started to enjoy it. Soon I realized that he was completely inside me; however, he didn't stop there, he placed his hands on my hips and started rocking back and forth.
We both panted and, without warning, his right hand grabbed my member and began to stroke it fast yet gently. I could feel his passion filling my whole body just before he made a last movement and we came at the same time. I thought that I would die of pleasure, and lay on my stomach, feeling his body still tightening over mine.
'Sev', James said, making an effort to breathe. His forehead was covered with drops of sweat.
'James', I whispered. 'I don't think I will be able to forget about this'.
'Don't worry now, love.We will think about that...later'.
Eventually, I realized that we had only ten minutes left to tidy the mess up. We got dressed quietly, then James suggested exactly what I was thinking.
`What if we use magic?’
‘Be realistic. Mrs. Evlyn will be back in a minute, and it is really….’, he said, looking at the floor and blushing, ‘….really dirty’.
I nodded and we finished our duty with a quick spell. I was breaking a rule and felt happy about that… It was weirdWhen the teacher came back, she looked at us suspiciously but let us go without further explanations. Walking towards the door, I said it.
‘I won’t say a word about what happened here, so I hope you…’, I began.
‘Of course I won’t. Everyone believes that we are still enemies. It may be better this way.’
That night in my bedroom, I felt that our little affair had been a mistake. Would I have to face James again, not knowing how to answer to his jokes? Anyway, I had had him…only for a while, but I’d always remember it. That unfortunate night, I started dreaming about my enemy.
Anger. I felt anger when everything stayed the same, or became even worse than before. He and his friends made the usual comments about me the morning after. Perhaps he was less participative, but I still couldn’t stand it. My heart shrieked with pain, and I decided not to pay attention to him. I was Snape again, not Sev, and he was just Potter, foolish Potter.
Two days passed and he didn’t even speak to me directly. Sometimes, our eyes met and I tried to send a visual message to him. I wonder whether he felt ashamed now. Perhaps he couldn’t believe that we had shared those moments of passion. Or perhaps it had been a joke after all, just a trick to see if I wanted him or not. Who knew?
When I was about to curse him forever, he appeared behind me in an empty corridor.
‘Potter, what the…?’, I shouted.
‘Shhh, speak lower. I really have the answers to all your questions’.
‘Questions?’, I frowned.
‘You don’t want to murder me, do you?’
‘That’s not a bad idea. Then you would keep yourself from playing with people’.
‘Um…really?’, he grinned. ‘So what about nine o’clock this evening near the lake? To play, if that’s what you want’.
I guess that my face showed a very foolish expression at that very moment, because everything I could utter was…
We met many times after that, and each night was somehow special. I liked to rule over the situation, though he was obviously stronger, and we let our bodies struggle until we fell on the grass, breathless. After the hottest moments, we lay side by side and he smiled at me in a beautiful way, his blue orbs sparkling in the moonlight. Perhaps I didn’t understand his view of life and people, but he made me feel…alive. I had never looked at the stars until he showed them to me.
At the beginning, everything seemed to be perfect; we were enemies during the day and lovers at night. However, my mind never stopped reflecting on things and I realized that I hated everybody more than I used to. James spent all day surrounded by friends who liked him and understood him very well, whereas I felt lonely even in my own common room.
What was more, I caught myself wondering how many people James had touched. Perhaps I wasn’t the only one of his lovers in those days, and I was sure that he knew what he was doing during our first time…so, who taught him? But I was in a different house, and everything that happened in Gryffindor’s common room was a very well-kept secret.
My heart was a mess. I found hard to concentrate in class and preferred not to talk very much. I was still ambitious, but now James was so important that I kept my mind focused on the hatred I felt towards the world.
‘You’re not evil, Sev. Not at all. But you pretend to be’, he said one night while hugging me tightly.
‘Mmm…Perhaps I really am. What evidences do you have?’
‘None. I only have my intuition, and it never fails’.
‘Well, Mr. Intuitive. You’re not so awfully perfect, and take this as a compliment’.
‘Ow, stop it, you really flatter me!’, he laughed.
Someone could see us there, in the open air, near Hogwarts lake, but in those moments one had to forget the danger. James rested his head on the damp grass and closed his eyes lazily. I thought he wouldn’t hear me when I whispered the first senseless thing that occurred to me.
‘I love you’.
There is not such thing as eternal happiness. One day, walking towards Transfiguration class, a running figure bumped into me.
‘Watch where you’re going!’, I said.
A slim girl looked at me. She was about my age, with long red hair and big green eyes. I had seen her before, she was a Gryffindor.
‘Sorry, I’m late!’, she said, staring at me for a while, and she went on running.
Lily Evans was a beautiful girl. At the time I couldn’t assess how pretty she was because I had never been interested in women…most of them were noisy and silly in their behaviour. But that Evans annoyed me for the way in which she gazed at James.
The term ended, summer holidays came and I went home, far away from James. I missed him terribly, so I decided to send him an owl asking how everything was going . To my surprise, his answer didn’t come until three weeks later because he was in Italy with his family. I spent the whole holidays feeling lonely.
When I saw him at the beginning of our sixth year, he looked healthier than ever. Everything started between us just as it had stopped. But when I I was once again used to his embrace, things changed very much.
I thought nothing would happen, but I was blind. Of course it HAD to happen. One December night, he led me to an empty dungeon. There had been a long time since we last met, and I waited silently for an explanation.
‘Sev’, he started, ‘something has happened and well…I’m afraid that things may change.’
I folded my arms and stared at him in panic.
‘I was a bit confused when Lily told me she loved me, but then we kissed and I made up my mind. I’ll get married some day, and she is wonderful. I’m thinking of the future’.
I wasn’t ready for that. I felt a wave of cold air filling every inch of my body, and at the same time my soul burnt with fever. My inner wounds started to bleed, but I decided not to show him how hurt I was.
‘Fine’, I said in a harsh yet quiet voice.
‘I’m sorry. One never knows when love is going to arrive or leave. You must understand…’
‘I’m saying it’s fine! I understand more than you believe. Now shut up!’, I cried with rage.
‘Sev…’, his voiced trembled for a second.
‘Snape to you, if you don’t mind, Potter’.
He left in silence and I sat down on a chair in Potions’ dungeon. He had chosen a girl, of course. Everybody would agree with his decision. How could I have ever hoped that our game could have a future? I was a fool to believe in him.
Now, I don’t have words to describe how I felt. I was angry, broken, rejected, full of resentment. I hated him and his idea of right things, I hated the lovely girl who had meddled in our affairs, and of course, I hated everybody else who would never know that I was once important to their insanely-perfect James Potter.
During the last year and a half, I devoted myself to the reading and study of every Dark Arts book in the Restricted Section in the library. I worked hard to get the highest marks in all branches of wizardry, and Mrs. Evlyn even told me that I had a special talent for potions.
I still was the target of Sirius Black and company’s jokes, but James stayed out of everything and didn’t talk to me. I didn’t care, though I was used to spending my nights grabbing the sheets of my bed and trying to feel by myself the pleasure he no longer gave me. I had decided not to love again.
However, a stubborn Slytherin girl named Anaiss Richet fancied me. One afternoon, while I tried to finish my homework in our common room, she sat on the arm of my chair unexpectedly. I looked at her; she was quite pretty, with black, curled hair and grey eyes. I wasn’t fond of girls, but that particular one wore a look of self-confidence very similar to mine. She whispered an improper suggestion to me in a very shameless way and I realized how much she lusted after me, so I thought it would be ok to please her.
CHAPTER 9: THE PATH TO A LONELY LIFE.
That night she slipped under my sheets and drew the curtains of my four-poster bed. It had been a long time since I last felt a naked, soft body below me, and she taught me everything I wanted…or I thought I wanted to know about having sex with a girl. I liked her taste and the way we joined with a moan. However, it was not the same...
I couldn't bring myself to love her. When she curled up by my side and fell asleep, I missed James more than ever. I tried to consider my option. If I chose her to be my girlfriend, we wouldn't have to hide in the dungeons at night. Everybody would consider our relationship normal and right and, what was more, I wouldn't be alone in the future. I hated myself for feeling unable to love her. She got angry when I told her that our little affair would not go on, and I hoped she would forget me soon, as she managed to do, indeed. I found myself feeling lonely again, and I knew that James was responsible for my misfortune.
I focused on the future and decided that I would join the Deatheaters. I wanted to show my new skills and I wouldn't need love when I was by their side. They only cared for glory. Some of my Slytherin partners, even Anaiss and her new boyfriend, were planning to join the Dark Lord too. During the last term of our seventh year at Hogwarts, we sent an owl to Voldemort himself, telling him that a group of (silly, foolish, I can say now) Slytherin wizards and witches, wanted to be Deatheaters. We swore that it wasn't a trap prepared by Dumbledore or the Ministry of Magic and he believed us because he sent us his first instructions. We would join the group in summer.
Several days before our graduation, I met James in a corridor. He looked confident, perhaps because his team had just won his last Quidditch cup. He was taller and more handsome than ever, and the passing of time had been unable to erase his innocent, friendly expression.
'Snape', he said.'I wanted to say good-bye to you. I doubt we'll meet out of this school'.
'Believe me, you won't be happy at all next time you see me', I said in my coldest voice.
He frowned, and it was not a question that he said asked.
'Your're going to take the wrong path'.
'That's none of your business'.
'It is, because I'll be in the other side.
'Well, we always said we were enemies. If it wasn't true, now it is going to be, and if I must confront you I'll do so'.
My warning failed to frighten him.
'You're not evil'.
'Why do you still say that? I may give you proofs’.
'Because I would have never loved an evil person. You'll realize that. Goodbye, Sev'.
He left and I considered for a while the meaning of his words. But if he had truly loved me the whole time we spent together, that didn't matter now. We were moving our lives apart forever.
Everytime I think about what I did after leaving Hogwarts, my soul hurts. I took part in Voldemort's reign of horror. He was cruel to everybody and ordered the Deatheaters to kill, torture and harm innocent wizards, witches and muggles. We were...his slaves, I think, and if someone had trouble following his orders, they would be punished. At the beginning, I believed that we were fighting for ambition, but soon I realized that we were Voldemort's puppets.
Two years passed, and I wanted to leave them but that wasn't possible. I didn't have the courage, because the Dark
Lord would never allow me to get out of the shit alive.
'Have you heard? The Master wants to kill the Potters', one of my masked partners told me.
'The Potters?', I asked in astonishment.
'Yeah. I don't know why, but the master wants their little baby dead. Of course, they have hidden well. We must find them'.
Suddenly my heart awoke. I felt terrified at the idea of killing James' baby...or hurting James. Once I said that I would confront him, but I was lying to myself! I saw my own ideas clear in the middle of darkness and confusion. I couldn't regret. I just acted and wrote a letter to Dumbledore. I told him everything I knew about Voldemort's plans. I asked him for a second chance as a spy, and he believed in me.
'I've warned the Potters', said Dumbledore when we secretly met by Hogwarts lake.
'I was wrong, Headmaster', I muttered.'If it is necessary, I'll fight against the dark forces. I'm ready to risk my life'.
The older man stared at me and nodded. I went back to Voldemort's side and spied on him, without letting anyone suspect. One day, I received a very special letter.
"Thank you, Sev. I guess we're safe now.
I was right believing in you. JP"
I read the message over and over again and sighed in relief, because he knew that it was me who warned Dumbledore, and he was out of danger. But one summer night everything ended.
The Potters' secretkeeper betrayed them and Voldemort entered their place. I heard it when it was too late. James and Lily dead. The child alive. Voldemort defeated and nearly killed. I flew to the house, taking off my mask and my deatheater's robes. Dumbledore was there. I though that someone he trusted may have taken the baby to a safe place.
Some wizards of the Ministry were looking for Voldemort there was no sign of him anywhere. James lay on the hall's floor with no injuries on his body. Avada Kedavra, I thought. Lily was on the stairs. I heard both of them had fought to protect their son. James died first and Lily protected the child with her body. But Voldemort couldn't kill the boy; the curse directed at little Harry Potter hit the Dark Lord himself.
I kneeled by James’ body, looking at his closed eyes, and forgot my resentment. I couldn’t blame him; he had just died fighting, like a brave lion protecting his cub. He must have loved them too much.
‘James’, I whispered.’You always were too brave, you fool. Should I hate you forever? We can’t forgive each other, can we?’
CHAPTER 11: A NEW LIFE AND AN UNCERTAIN FUTURE
‘Who are you?’, an officer of the Ministry asked me.
‘Severus Snape’, I said while I stood up.
‘Are you one of them?’
‘No, I’m not! I was a deatheater, but now I work for Dumbledore’.
At that moment, the Headmaster entered the room and spoke to the officer.
‘He works for me, Brixton’.
‘But he will need to appear in court.’
‘Fine’, said Dumbledore. ‘He will do it when he’s called. Now he’s coming to Hogwarts with me’.
I gave a last look to James’ body and followed Dumbledore. He told me that Sirius Black had been the traitor; he had betrayed his best friend. Heaven knows how much I wanted to kill Black at that very moment! But he was suffering his punishment.
‘I need a new Potions teacher’, said Dumbledore when we arrived at Hogwarts and sat in his office. ‘Ms. Evlyn has just retired and I wonder if you would like to take the job’.
He looked at me, waiting for an answer, but I felt my cheeks burning. When he gave me a handkerchief I realized that I was crying. I had never cried before, not when I felt sad and unhappy, not when I had been hurt physically or psychologically , not when I had harmed people, not even when I had risked my life. Now I was weeping silently in front of the Headmaster. How embarrasing!
‘Everybody has the right to cry, Severus. The strongest people do’.
He waited patienly for me to calm down, and then he asked it again.
‘Do you want to be the Potions master?’
‘Of course I’d like it. Thank you very much, Headmaster’.
I began a new life at Hogwarts, after being considered innocent by the court. I became the head of Slytherin house as well as a respected Potions teacher. I’ve spent most of my time in this dungeon, working hard and studying things unrelated to dark arts, although...it’s true that I would love to teach Defence Against the Dark Arts. I know a lot about that.
When I first met eleven-year-old Harry Potter I didn’t like him at all. He makes memories come back to life, because he’s so much like James: same complexion, black messy hair, a talent for Quidditch...And he has the green eyes of the brave lady. He was borned because James stopped loving me, and I can’t stand that, but on the other hand he was responsible for Voldemort’s fall. I always show my fearsome face and try to convince him and his friends of how terrible and evil I am; however, I would do everything in order to protect him. At least I won’t be too late to help his son.
The final battle is near; Voldemort’s come back with a troupe of deatheaters at his disposal. I’m a spy again, will I live long? I might be killed by the Deatheaters. I might escape. Who knows?
Yesterday I was about to enter my dungeon when I felt that there was someone in the next room. I looked without being seen and I found them together, but I wasn’t stunned. There was so much love in their faces that I didn’t dare to disturb; there was also pain, suffering for they know they’re at risk. What would happen if they were discovered? They, who were supposed to be enemies. And Lucius would feel sooo disappointed with his son…Perhaps young Draco will follow the path that his family drew for him. Or perhaps he’ll fight for his love and for justice, and he won’t make the mistakes I made. I know what this secret affair means, maybe one of them will get hurt because the other one has got a girlfriend. I don’t want my misfortune repeated in the lives of these young boys.
I think the sleeping potion is ready. It’s very late, the fire is burning out in the fireplace and I feel as lonely as I’ve had every night for the last twenty years. Now I know that Black didn’t betray James, but I still can’t forgive him completely. What if the werewolf had devoured me that night? I think it would have been better not to live and suffer this much, but then I would have never had James.
The fire has burnt out completely. I open my desk and take out an old envelope. There’s a paper inside it…no…it’s a photograph. It’s him, with his blue orbs sparkling with sunlight and his right hand holding his broomstick. He’s wearing his Quidditch robes and waves his hand happily. He looks young and beautiful, somehow he never grew old; he never turned thirty five. I feel his impossible company with me and reach for the glass in with the steaming liquid spreads its fumes. I hate him so much. He forgot, he left, he does not know of my misery; he died for love. I loved him, I can say it now, it was not passion, not lust. It was everything at the same time.
I sit on my bed and drink the potion. My head is dizzy and memories seem to be solid and flow through my veins as if they were a new kind of blood. I lie under my covers and stare at the absolute darkness of my private bedroom. Am I evil? Why did he always say I wasn’t? I’m not ambitious anymore, there are more important things in this life. He would be glad if he saw me teaching at the school. I would be glad if I could only talk to him again. That would take away this eternal sorrow.
Before closing my eyes I think that he was a great one to love and be loved by. Everything started when he saved my life...and then it ended, but he did a most important thing which I can’t forget...By believing in me, he saved my soul.
Isilme’s final notes: Well, how was it? Please, if you liked it, you could send an e-mail to me, I’ll gladly answer you! Oh, and I had to include the Draco/Harry pairing because I think their affair is so similar as Sev and James’ one! But I think it would not be so tragic, would it? Well I’m talking to much. Just want to thank Aliea for her help and support (and for checking my mistakes), I love you friend!!
That was all. Thanks everyone who read it!